


Undead Ringers

by primeideal



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Gen, Humor, Quidditch, Radio, Zombies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-05
Updated: 2012-11-05
Packaged: 2017-11-18 01:36:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,410
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/555439
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/primeideal/pseuds/primeideal
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Department of Magical Games and Sports records seven hundred Quidditch fouls. One more shouldn't make much difference.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Undead Ringers

**Author's Note:**

> For HP-Zombiefest (LiveJournal) 2012.

“Good morning, mages! This is Lee Jordan bringing you a very special edition of  _Wizarding Wireless Network_  as the representatives of all thirteen league Quidditch sides are gathered here today in the Ministry, ready to begin the final deliberations before voting on the proposed rule change.  
  
Now, I know some of my more attentive listeners were promised live coverage of the debate itself, and up until a few minutes ago I was expecting to join in and broadcast that for you, but I've just been informed of some new security restrictions and unfortunately since the Ministry itself is in a state of semi-lockdown, I no longer have clearance to enter and broadcast.  
  
But! That won't stop me from commenting on what we know so far, and it shouldn't stop you from tuning in and having your say. In the past few weeks, various players have made press conferences, and together with some interviews I carried out, I think we can get a pretty good guess of how everyone is going to vote. Meanwhile, you're welcome to call me on the Muggle telephone with your opinions and maybe you'll get on air. No, there will be no liv—well—in-person interviews, anyway, I'm in a very secure location and off the Floo. So don't get any funny ideas.  
  
Now, the way this will work is that the teams will vote by secret ballot, and Kieran McLaggen, the head of the Department of Magical Games and Sports, will be validating the totals. A vote of  _yes_  stands to insert the new rule, so that would  _prevent_  Bethan Lloyd and her counterparts from playing. A  _no_  vote would mean that the rule is not inserted, and based on McLaggen's close interpretation of the rules as they stand, that means Lloyd  _would be allowed_  to play. So remember: vote yes means for the ban, no is against.  
  
And I've heard that a special motion from Roger Travers to require the proposal to pass by a supermajority of nine votes has been disallowed, so some allies of Lloyd really trying to make it easier for her, but that's not happening.  
  
Well, it's just about time for them to get going inside, so I'll be starting my summaries of what we think the teams' positions are...right after these messages.”  
  
 _“Pursued by undead zombies who want to eat your brains? Throw them off the chase with extra heads! Our patented Hydra mask will slip over heads of various sizes and offer eight decoys to oncoming threats. Pleasenoteourproductsarenotaguaranteeofsafety. NordotheyincludetheabilitytospeakParseltongue. If you could use some extra protection, owl Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes. Please note we are not currently receiving customers in our Diagon Alley storefront.”  
  
“Seeking asylum outside the British Isles? We may have a place for you. The Salem Witches' Institute is hoping to hire a professor of modern history of magic, with an emphasis on international affairs. The preferred applicant will be fluent in multiple languages and able to commit to an uninterrupted nine-month stay. Please arrange your own transportation if you want to interview.”  
  
“Need some fire that won't go out? Patriarch of a reputable Pureblood clan can conjure Gubraithian Fire on request and for the appropriate prices. Preference given to venerable houses interested in maintaining their—”_  
  
“Oh for goodness' sakes, is this thing on? I'm not going to stand for any discrimination on this broadcast, we all have to stand together these days.  
  
Well, welcome back at any rate, and I'm just going to be talking you through the teams in alphabetical order. Now, first up, is the Appleby Arrows, and we've heard from their captain Kynaston Breckinridge—quite early on, said Breckinridge—that “we will speak with our fans, we will represent our community.” Now. This was quite an early statement from them, and there's been little since then. So I'm going to assume—when we talk about Wimbourne, you'll see, they're probably  _against_  the ban. Now, we all know about the Wasps and the Arrows, so from my understanding, it would be my assumption that the fans are just going to stand against the Arrows whatever they say. So let's count them as a tentative  _yes_  to the ban.  
  
Next up we have the Ballycastle Bats, and we can believe they'll be  _against_  the ban. Of course Ballycastle are sponsored by Barny the Fruitbat, and bats, you know. Sucking blood, they've always stood for vampire rights and everything, this is a logical next step. Sure enough, leading Butterbeer producer Mortimer Meadowes has said “times are changing, those who adapt will get ahead—or get a head, you know, as the case may be. I look forward to helping the Quidditch League transition into a new era of new opportunities—and new profit opportunities.” So Ballycastle  _opposed_.  
  
Then we have the Caerphilly Catapults. And Caerphilly have been a very quiet team, not much word from their management. Which could mean a couple of things. It could mean that everyone involved has been bitten, of course, which would obviously mean they're against the ban. Otherwise, I'm not sure what to make of that. Presumably still talking it over. Now, Caerphilly's an older side, in touch with their traditions, and of course no name is louder than that of Dai Llewellyn. So I'm wondering if, thinking about him and his daredevil approach, they wouldn't appreciate some excitement, even danger, either way. Until we hear otherwise, and like I said I've been locked out, I think I'm also going to count Caerphilly  _against_  the ban.  
  
I'll have lots more coverage and speculation for you coming up soon, but why don't we take a call first?  
Hello? This is Katherine in Dorset.”  
  
“Hullo there!”  
  
“Your thoughts so far?”  
  
“Well, I think there's another angle we need to consider this from.”  
  
“Go on.”  
  
“Right now, the ranks of the Quidditch league are filled with seven very fit, very skillful humans per team. Plus reserves.”  
  
“Well, not exactly that many, there've been a few remember who adopted the “better dead than zed” approach to things—”  
  
“Of course, yes. But what I'm saying is, even accounting for that, multiply however many's left by thirteen teams. And when you consider how rare magic is that's quite a decent portion of the healthy, adult, magical population, just comprising those numbers already.”  
  
“Quite so. You think we ought to broaden the talent pool, then?”  
  
“Anything but! I believe that these people—the fastest reflexes, the strongest arms—have a duty to society. We need to put the league on lockdown so that they can go destroy zombies.”  
  
“Come again?”  
  
“Look, all questions of fairness aside, it's mad wasting our resources on Quidditch when there are zombies to defeat. Players know how to stay on brooms, stay well above the zombies, a bit of Incendio ought to do the trick. Transfigure your Beater's bat into a sword and lop their head off.”  
  
“Well...that's certainly a novel approach...”  
  
“We all have to make sacrifices for the cause, don't you think? I had a happy life, spent a lot of time in the Muggle world, but when duty came calling in the form of an undead creature threatening my personal well-being and the fabric of wizarding life, I knew it was time to get used to incendiary spells! Then when this is dealt with we can go back to Quidditch.”  
  
“All...right then. Thanks for calling.”  
  
“Sure thing. If you'll excuse me, I need to find my flamethrower.”  
  
“Right. Moving on! The Chudley Cannons—their captain, Nimue Dwerry, is in favor of the ban. To quote, “Our fans understand—perhaps too well—that the thrill of Quidditch is not just in the winning but the taking part. Not just the final score, but the time spent with your family and friends on the moors, watching the game. And we believe the fan experience is best improved when no one above you is immediately desirous of consuming your brains. We hope to maintain the glorious and definitely-not-cannibalistic traditions of British and Irish Quidditch well into the future.” So that's a  _yes_  to the ban from Chudley. Can't say I blame them, although, maybe if they took some initiative about investing in the new talent they'd stand a fighting chance...nah, they'd still blow it.  
  
Right! Next we have the Falmouth Falcons. They're going to be against the ban, I think, although there's a bit of a delicate situation involving William Smith, their enormous Beater. When approached about the ban, Smith's quote was “Let zed. Good to have thing to fight. Yes.” Now, some analysts immediately concluded this was a self-serving move, as perhaps that sentence structure he would have been bitten himself. But others think that no, he's just taken one too many Bludgers to the head and he liked clubbing people anyway, he'll take any excuse to bust up a few more skulls. So, debatable what the circumstances are there in Falmouth, but either way I'll say Falcons  _against_  the ban.  
  
Next up are the Holyhead Harpies. Everyone knows the Harpies, fantastic team, always able to hang with the best of them. And their fans have been as loyal as ever despite these, er, societal changes. And one vocal fan, Morwenna Cadwallader, has even organized a “Harpies for Human (and Former-Human) Rights” rally, with the attitude of “well, sure, we're an all-women team, often outmuscled by larger squads. But we've never let that stop us before and we can't stop now or people will be concerned that women are too frail to play Quidditch without men.” A reasonable attitude! But what's interesting has been the way the club itself has reacted, with Siwan Yates immediately canceling a public-relations appearance in Hogsmeade. So I'm afraid there's dissent in the ranks there. Given how quickly the team has moved to distance themselves from their most vociferous fans, I think we have to count Holyhead  _for_  the ban. And it's also understandable, you know, player safety for  _any_  team.  
  
Well, I think it's time we take another call now...Yes? Marcus in Suffolk. Hullo there.”  
  
“Hi, Lee.”  
  
“What do you think about the whole undead issue?”  
  
“I think...Quidditch...teams...make a lot of money. Important...in magical life.”  
  
“Yes, they certainly do.”  
  
“Whatever...the vote...they should still...be donating money...to charity. For curing...or eliminating...or just trying to help out...zombies.”  
  
“So you think that the Quidditch League needs to be more influential in social causes.”  
  
“Yeah, that...sounds right.”  
  
“That is so mind-bogglingly well-reasoned I can't believe I went to school with you. Maybe I didn't.”  
  
“Pretty sure...you did.”  
  
“The mind reels. Okay, well, thanks for calling, Marcus.”  
  
“Yeah. Thank...you.”  
  
“Course, his mind still moving about as slowly as a Flobberworm, but it's  _working_. These days we take our blessings where we can. All right! Just about halfway through the teams now and if you're keeping score at home I project three votes for, three against so far. It'll be close.  
  
Next up are the Kenmare Kestrels. And this is a team that, interestingly, has made sort of the same arguments as Chudley—that it's all well and good to consider the impact on gameplay but at the end of the day it's about the fan experience. What's curious is that they've taken that to reach the exact opposite conclusion, that we need to oppose the ban. “Kids love meeting other magical creatures, whether it's a leprechaun or a veela—we all saw the fun of the '94 World Cup,” said captain Keenan O'Mooney. “And when the time comes to offer an exciting, action-packed environment to watch even more of them, then we ought to go for it.” So a  _no_  vote likely from Kenmare, there.  
  
Moving on, we have the Montrose Magpies, a side in touch with their heritage but known for seeking out competition. Again, there seems to be some division of opinion at the highest levels. Speaking under condition of anonymity, one player recently claimed that “we need a new challenge, normal humans are a bit too boring.” However, early on when this debate first started, Sorcha MacEachern went on the record and said “this is just a slippery slope, today it's zombies, but tomorrow it'll be proper Inferi, next thing you know all sorts of beasts. Simply no way that the historical continuity of the championship can stand up to such ridicule.” Now, we haven't heard anything from her  _since_  then, but considering that the player who wanted a new challenge was afraid to put their name on the record, I think that's a sign that Montrose _support_  the ban. But it's very speculative.  
  
Here's a team that  _definitely_  support the ban, Pride of Portree. We've heard from no less an authority than Chief Naoise MacFusty himself, of the Hebrides, that it's critical for the islands to stay isolated to prevent the spread of zombie bites—the hope that Skye and the like can sort of serve as a wizarding outpost, away from all the undead. And rumor has it that Portree have sent their vote by owl, they're not risking sending  _anyone_  down here, another rumor has that they would withdraw from the league in case the ban failed. So some dire concerns up there on the islands.  
  
Well, we'll have more analysis for you in a moment, but let's take another call. Hello...this is Alicia in Milton Keynes, hello Alicia!”  
  
“Afternoon, Lee.”  
  
“And your thoughts?”  
  
“Well, I have to begin by saying I absolutely hate myself for saying this. I feel horrible and grossed out. But it has to be said.”  
  
“Go for it, Alicia—I don't mind provocative comments, it's good for the ratings.”  
  
“Trust you to concentrate on the ratings in the middle of an uprising of the undead.”  
  
“Hey, if we bow in the face of pressure, then the zombies will have won.”  
  
“I mean, you have to think about what our generation has grown up with. It wasn't too long we got through that second war with Voldemort, and lots of people still alive, or undead, remember the one before  _that._ ”  
  
“Quite true.”  
  
“So, if we ban zombies from playing Quidditch—as ridiculous as this sounds, I'm afraid we're becoming part of the problem. Just breeding more discrimination.”  
  
“So this ban would be a tool of intolerance.”  
  
“I'm afraid so. As absurd as it is.”  
  
“No, we appreciate your honesty.”  
  
“Thanks.”  
  
“Thank you for calling in. All right, let's keep talking about the teams. Puddlemere United—surely a distracted team these days with the loss of personnel they've had. And you really can't blame the witch or wizard who's taken by surprise—there's lots of emphasis for those of us who've grown up around ghosts about the need to go on, better to chance death than be stuck forever on Earth, so perhaps those people really making the only choice available when there's no way to flee from the ravenous hordes. So at the very least in their memory I would think the team would be voting  _for_  the ban. We haven't heard a lot of talk from the top levels about their plans and I think they're just staying quiet out of respect.  
  
Now onto the Tutshill Tornados. Almost certainly voting  _against_  the ban, word has it they're the side that wanted to sign Lloyd to begin with. Now no official word about who that was, it was all behind closed doors, in part due to privacy concerns and in part so bloody entrails would not spill out the doors. So you might be thinking, how do we know about Tutshill, it could have been any number of teams? Well, this would just be another entry in their history of, er, pushing the boundaries of the rules. Here for more is a very special correspondent—one of my esteemed successors as Quidditch announcer, someone who'll never hesitate to speak the truth even in these dark times. Say hello to Luna Lovegood!”  
  
“Hello Lee. It's very nice to be here!”  
  
“As always, Luna. What can you tell us about Tutshill?”  
  
“Well, their record of underhanded tactics dates back for years. Now, I don't want to lump this incident into the same category and insult the differently-deceased, and I'm very glad that the teams are talking it over like civilized people.”  
  
“Well, and Falmouth.”  
  
“But if we look at their '95 campaign, you can see them threatening to intimidate players and referees. I'm glad that someone's stopped them in their tracks this time.”  
  
“Quite. What do you predict for the future of the team?”  
  
“Well, if they get the chance to sign Lloyd, I think that will be good for them—it will be a challenge to integrate her into the team, but hopefully it redirects their energy towards legal innovations. If the ban goes through, I'm afraid we'll see more underhanded attempts from them to sneak zombies in.”  
  
“So you oppose the ban?”  
  
“I'm not sure, really. But we can't turn back time, we'll have to make the best of wherever we find ourselves. Unless someone finds Fudge's old army of Heliopaths to secure the world once and for all, we ought to try and live together.”  
  
“Very astute of you, Luna, thanks.”  
  
“You're welcome!”  
  
“Just a couple more teams to talk through now. First up we have the Wigtown Wanderers and it's much the same story as Falmouth, I do believe—this team nodding to their history, in this case prominently displaying a bit of mammalian flesh on their jerseys—and will probably  _oppose_  the ban. Maverick Seeker Tadhg Lochrin has claimed “All I'm concerned about is that the rules are applied  _fairly._  Don't want to give anyone an advantage. If it turns out that zombies should be allowed to play, I'll be first out there to support them. But, if they have the right to gnaw on their opponents as a distraction, all I ask is that I as a human am entitled to the same privilege.” So Wigtown clearly not afraid of the ban passing, although I think us humans might have a bit more reason to be afraid of them.  
  
Now, this is all speculation so far, but while I could be wrong on many of these the errors might well balance out. By my count it's six votes to six so far, meaning that whatever happens, it'll come down to the deciding vote. Now, obviously they won't  _vote_  in alphabetical order, but that's how my analysis has going, and if you've been listening in you already know my speculations about the Wimbourne Wasps.  
  
The Wasps, again, one of these sides known for their violent approach. And perhaps more so than any other team bound up with their fan culture, for better and more often for worse. As soon as this debate hit the Stingers have been out in full force, urging the team to buy up zombie talent, rules or no rules. Again, I do not believe they specifically are the ones scouting Lloyd, I don't even know if the boardroom has its act together. Erskine Thickey very nominally the man in charge there. But they can't stand against the overwhelming fanbase and that base has made its opinion clear. The Wasps would then be  _against_  the ban.  
  
I have to repeat this is all speculation, but I would predict, based on careful analysis of all thirteen teams, that the ban will  _fail_  seven votes to six and that effective as soon as that happened, zombies would be eligible to play top-flight Quidditch here in Britain and Ireland. This presumably would extend to the national teams, as well.  
  
And—yes, it appears that I'm now going to be let in to hear the debates! Please stay right with us, we'll have all the updates as fast as they come.  
  
Well it's very tense in here and, as predicted, the Arrows-Wasps rivalry dominating the debate. And it's really not a principled disagreement either, as I feared, Appleby taking a petty approach to this. Erskine Thickey cuts to the chase, saying in effect that they're only for the ban because his own Wasps are against it. Kynaston Breckinridge of Appleby vehemently denies this, saying “No, I'm against your position because it's not supported by any brains.” Er. Thickey asking for clarification, he's repeating the word “brains...brains...”  
  
Do you know, things have degenerated very quickly here. I think I'd better take cover. This is Lee Jordan, signing off.”


End file.
